Wednesday, January 30, 2013

When your libido takes a do you convince it to come back?

So, I've been having some difficulty with my mood and libido recently.  To some degree, I'm tired (been doing a lot at work -- juggling a lot of balls, and not the kind I like) - mentally and physically.  And to some degree, I know that I cycle with the moon (waxing...bring it on; waning...leave me alone).  And there seems to be something about January and February that get in the way of things, too.  With all that stacked against me, I'm left with a whole lotta work and productivity, but not a lot of pride in what I've accomplished.  Sometimes, it's hard to get psyched up when the mountain seems insurmountable...even when I am at the top.

I think I need a massage.  And I need to get to the acupuncturist.  And I need to go to bed on time.

And, while we are at it, could someone send me two tickets to a beautiful tropical island where I can forget all my obligations?

Anyhow, what does all this have to do with pride - today's Wicked Wednesday prompt?  Well, I guess I feel that I should be proud of myself.  I forget that sometimes and give in to the doom and gloom that is "you can always do better...if you'd only..." and comparing my success to others, only to be even more critical of my accomplishments.

I'm a working mother.  My kid is decently behaved and does well in school, the house is pretty nice and acceptably clean most days, the bills get paid, and I have achieved a position of regard in my career.

My marriage is solid...enviable even.  Our sex life is great (accept for when I go into the black hole).

That should be enough, right?  And really, it is.  I think I'm just too hard on myself, and I need to remind myself on a daily basis that I'm not a complete disappointment. It's this weird need I have to make others happy and comfortable and proud.

Guess, I need to include myself in that., not a creative post.  More of a gripe - and an exploration of a problem.  Because when I get like this, it's hard to snap out of it.  And it affects everything in my life - my relationships at home and work, my sex drive, my ability to focus and accomplish things, my motivation to think and write about sex...

And once I'm off the sex wagon...well, let's just say things seem to crumble fast.  Mr. LL gets moody (and who can blame him, right?)...and then we have to discuss the problem...which makes me moody(er).  And the adult in me takes a vacation, leaving a pouty little child in her place who thinks everyone is blaming her for the state of things.

So...getting back ON the sex wagon.  That's the thing, isn't it?

Vitamin D, medication, exercise, diet...cripes- I even stopped drinking...I've got all those in the bag.  So, what else?  What have I not tried?  Because I've got to nip this thing in the bud before it spirals.  What is it, really, that stabs my libido in the back and then runs away like a little coward before I can turn around and catch it in the act?  I can speculate all day - best to not overthink it, I know...just makes it worse, cause then I feel guilty.

Suggestions?  I pride myself on a healthy sex life.  And we all no good sex decreases what to do when stress makes you not want the sex that will make the stress go away.  Quite a conundrum.

Be sure to check out the other Wicked Wednesday posts...

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

After Noon

The sun hangs heavy in the western sky,
seeking refuge behind darkening clouds.
Deep blue hugs the heated curves of light,
bending them as the tree limbs shroud
wet layers of green water and dark shore.
It is unmotivated, waiting for guidance,
attempting a slow, gradual retreat toward
the soft pink fingers of twilight's expanse.
The pull is too great.  The orb, sinking low,
moves smoothly, without hesitation,
going down, to kiss the blushing glow,
leaving it lavender with satisfaction.
     Dusk is the siren's song, seducing the sun
     into shadow.  Night's web has been spun.

This has been a Wicked Wednesday post.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

I'm an introverted exhibitionist

This is a Wicked Wednesday post.  Click on the link to see who else is writing wicked thoughts this Wednesday.

The prompt:

My response:

I'm that girl you might see in the corner at the coffee shop, glasses, hair up, t-shirt and jeans - maybe a cardigan to dress it up.  I'm probably reading...or maybe writing...or typing.  Sometimes I'm chatting with someone...but I am rarely in a group.  More likely than even a coffee shop, I'm at home.  I like my people.  And I have a real tendency to get comfortable with routines.

Really, I have a hard time talking to most people.  And the people I do talk to, for any extended period of time...the people that I call aquaintences, a very small sum of which become friends...are a motley crew, indeed.

My preferences?  Blunt honesty.  It takes a lot of trust for me to call a person 'friend', so it's best to be honest.  Intelligence.  If you haven't read a book in the last're probably not my cup of tea.  Cleanliness.  Pulled together, at least.  Showered?  This whole, "I just woke up and rolled out of bed...2 hours ago so I could spend the whole morning primping and putting product in my hair so I could look like I just rolled out of bed" annoying, at best.  I'm a control freak...I'm sort of a compulsive planner (alright, drop the "sort of"), and I like other control freaks.  You know...responsibility?  Opinions.  Have them.  But also have something to back them up.  And really, let's be honest, I prefer to hang out with people who feel the same way I do about the big issues (government, religion, education...).

My husband, in a loving way, says I'm mean.  This is in relation to the cheery, happy, perky coffee girls who meet us at the drive up window and seem to revel in our every word (can you say "tips"?).  No, I am not perky.  I don't trust people who are that happy and "on the ball" at 6 in the morning.  It's not that I'm actually "mean"...I'm just snarky...sarcastic...wise-assed.  And, generally...I don't like people.

So, I suppose that sounds mean.  In fact, I told my son the other day that Professor Snape was my favorite Harry Potter character.  So, from that statement alone, you can tell that I'm a geek, that I root for the underdog, and that I'm an excellent judge of character.  Pretty much sums it up.

I like people who are different.  And most of my friends are a bit on the "eccentric" or "different" side.  Some are so polar opposite from me that one might wonder what on earth I see in them (for clarification, it's probably all the things I don't see in myself).

I'm perfectly capable of looking in the mirror and facing my faults and imperfections.  Sometimes, I probably dwell in them too much.  Did I say that I can be hyper-critical?

So, anal-retentive, compulsive list-making, overly introspective, wise-assed, procrastinating, book nerd.  I sound like a ball of fun, huh?  But, in reality...with "my people"...I can easily break out of my shell and cut loose.  Heck, I've even been known to stay up until 4, fucking my brains out - with near strangers.

There's a wild streak buried not too far beneath the surface.  That's probably the case with most people who "appear" uptight.

Anyone looking at me from the outside would be taken aback if they knew anything about my "secret life".  It would come as a complete surprise.

I guess that's why I can look at others, like myself, and see that shadow beneath their exterior.

It's fun to muse about the personal lives of others.  Of course it's all filtered through my own experience.  And it's probably why I write stories about people in positions of service and authority.  The people who are supposed to be, be often are not, above reproach.

I sit here, drinking wine, after nights of not sleeping well so I really should be going to bed), writing to a bunch of people I don't know (okay, some of you I know).  That's obligation.  Or loyalty.  Or dedication.  Whatever way you choose to see it.  Maybe it's commitment.  I suppose I'm nothing if not committed.  It's Catholic guilt - infused in me by generations of family members who only showed up in church when they'd done something being present was enough to wash away their sins.

I feel a story about a confessional booth coming on.  How absolutely, and wonderfully, inappropriate.

And I don't do it to offend people.  I do it to challenge my own concepts of the world around me...and to challenge my own desires.

Different.  That was the prompt word today.  Doing something different.  Thinking something different.  Being something different.  If only for a moment.

It's worth it.

So, as the title says...I'm an introverted exhibitionist.  Which isn't all that rare...or different, I guess.

I'm Nobody! Who are you? (260)
by Emily Dickinson

I'm Nobody!  Who are you?
Are you - Nobody - too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! They'd advertise - you know!

How dreary - to be - Somebody!
How public - like a Frog -
To tell one's name - the livelong June -
To and admiring Bog!

Emily definitely one of the "sexiest poets." I love nerdy girls.

And while we are on the subject of nerdy girls I would like to....

Who's with me?

(Did I mention...I have a bit of the ADD? - Astoundingly didactic and divergent?)

Thursday, January 3, 2013

"A Window, Open to the World" - original poetry (HNT)

I offer myself up
to your lense
let you
pose me as you like

Dress me
undress me
create the image
just right

Sunlight shines
across the sweaty
hotel sheets

And I lay there
in front of you
with my legs crossed
or spread
at your command

Each photo leads you closer to
the place of greatest

You set the camera aside
to taste the canvas

We make love
in the bright light
with heat on our skin
and a window
open to the world
The Lustful Literate
The Lustful Literate
The Lustful Literate
The Lustful Literate
The Lustful Literate

Club Sapphire -2013 New Year's Celebration (club review)

I'm publishing this as a "Wicked Wednesday" post (click on the link to read other great posts) a it pertains to the very first hours of my "2013" sexual exploits.

The prompt was:'s 6:45 in the a.m. here on the West Coast.  I'm on vacation.  And I'm awake?  Meh.

So, I might as well tackle this review post, and play around on my blog for awhile before everything else in the house wakes up, too.

Club Sapphire was a positive experience.  Of course, it was BIG party...I believe they drew over 300 guests for their New Year's Eve party (the most they have had).  Now, keeping in mind, the only other "club" we've frequented is New Horizons, and as Sapphire was created by people who were initially involved with NH, there are some similarities.

From what I understand (and this is all 2nd hand/3rd hand info.) the original group had a pretty big falling out.  I don't really know what it was about, just that they had some differences of opinion in how the club should be run.  So, they split.  And one group remained faithful and present at NH, while the other went off and started their own thing.

The nice thing about NH is that it is an all-inclusive sort of deal.  You pull in through the electronic gates, find a parking place (you can even bring your own trailer and park it - which provides for a nice little getaway and a more pleasant sleeping experience), gather your bags, walk up the well-maintained path (gorgeous grounds) and in through the large, wooden double doors, and you have no need to leave until morning...unless you are taking part in one of their long-weekends (which is another benefit to the enclosed "campus").

Sapphire, since they don't have their own building/grounds, sets up shop in a hotel.  They try to make it as "private" as possible, but it does seem a bit more "public", and as such, one must be more "controlled".  There is no walking naked from place to place.  You must stay clothed at all times (until you make it to your own room or one of the rooms they have rented as a play room - which anyone can if you aren't staying over night, you don't necessarily have to worry about the expense of a room reservation).  I can live with this aspect, though I do find the atmosphere at NH a bit more relaxed and open because it's like being at someone's house...and there's little worry of being "seen" by anyone in the vanilla world who might pass judgement or recognize you.  At the hotel, party premises are labeled with "Club Sapphire/Private Party", so whoever is privy to the club's purpose will be able to see guests coming and going (a bit less anonymous than NH - if that's a worry for anyone).  Sapphire did set up the use of the service elevator so we didn't have to walk through the lobby every time we wanted to make our way to the rooms upstairs, but the service area was not very clean (ummm...unsexy) and the elevator took forever, so we opted to just take our chances with the main elevators, since our attire was conservative.

We also rented our own room, because we like our space and privacy and value sleep after a good fuck (or two...or three...).  And even though that cost us extra, the price of admission to Club Sapphire (even with dinner for two) plus our personal lodging, really wasn't much more than NH (since there are member dues...the initial membership fee...and party admission) with their $5 sleeping accommodations.

So, with that rather lengthy introduction/comparison, here's how the night went down:

We got to the hotel (which was nice enough - maybe 3 star...3 1/2?) about an hour and a half before the party started, so we'd have time to shower and get ready.  We had a few drinks, took our time, and then wandered downstairs.  The party was on the ground floor, which actually took us through the lobby and down some stairs.  We didn't know about the service elevator access at this time, but the party location was well-identified with signs.  This could be a drawback for individuals trying to keep their involvement more private.

The check-in process was easy and smooth.  We signed our confidentiality paperwork and paid our admission costs ($110 for two, included dinner).  Then, because we're us, we headed straight to the bar.  The hotel offered a no-host bar right at the party, and the food (served buffet style by the hotel staff) was set up in the hall right next to the bar.  I personally, feel a bit unsure of hotel staff milling about during a party of this nature...but maybe I'm just paranoid).  The drinks were very expensive and there was little choice.  The benefit of staying in the hotel was that we brought our own liquor and just started going upstairs to refresh our libations.  From what I understand, lots of people did the same, even if they weren't staying at the I guess the cost of drinks is a moot point.

We took our overpriced refreshments to the main party room, which was set up with about 20-25 tables which seated 8.  Noticing name tags at several of the seats, we hunted for a place with 4 open spots, so we could save 2 for a couple we were expecting to hook up with.  The pickings were slim (even though we were there early) and we ended up sitting right by the main door and the dessert line (not necessarily a bad thing).

Now, Mr. LL and I are not overly social people, so events like this can be trying.  Social lubricant, in the form of several drinks, is usually required for us to do anything close to "mingling" (a somewhat painful proposition for us).  Of course, it's a small world, and we knew and recognized several of the couples there.  We spoke with some of them, and spent quite a bit of time simply gazing at the crowd discussing "possibilities".  This was an area of fairly distinct difference from NH.  I think the crowd was a better mix.  I hate to say it, but the NH crowd, at least the times we went, tended toward the "older" side...mostly those 50 and above, with a few 40-50, and even fewer younger than that.

We're in our 30's and notice a significant gap in the age of "lifestylers".  I attribute it to family.  The very young (whom we tend to avoid, simply because of their newness to the lifestyle and to each other) have the time and energy to commit to being very involved.  And those in their mid-40s and beyond...well, the kids have moved out and they now have time to themselves again.  Those of us in the middle are often family-rich and time/money poor because of it.  Anyhow...that's another post.

The point here is...that the crowd was decent mix, and better than we have encountered at NH.

We decided to take advantage of the "professional" photographer (he was probably all of 22 and inquired of the female half of the couple being photographed before us if she would like to flash him for their last photo - about no, creeper).  It was only $15, and we got, like, 5-6 poses, and he emailed them to us the very next day (and the photos weren't too shabby - totally "vanilla" enough to share with everyone we know).  I would hesitate to do anything risque in these there is no telling what the "photographer" might do with his digital copies.

On our way back to our seats, I noticed the dance floor:  maybe 20 X 20, at most...which was not nearly big enough for the 300+ people who were there.  I knew right away that this would be a problem (as I can't stand being crammed in to a big crowd like a sardine (no matter how sexy bumping and grinding with a bunch of strangers could be).

The owner of the club made her way to the table and introduced herself to us...told us about the 4 play rooms on the 4th floor, the service elevator access, and welcomed us.  Nice touch.

Our friends showed up and we headed to the buffet line.  The food was salad, pasta salad, rolls, green beans w/bacon and onion, seasoned red potatoes, chicken cordon-bleu, and prime rib.  And there were several choices of desserts.

From here, we socialized and continued to peruse the couples.  We danced, briefly, on the edge of the dance floor (the band was acceptable, but not fabulous - and the guitar player bore a creepy resemblance to somebody I know) and "mingled" the best way we know how.

And though there were several couples we knew, and several attractive ones we didn't, we just could match up our dual tastes to choose any particular pair to proposition.  While it's nice to find a new couple, ultimately, it's the atmosphere that we like...the possibility and openness.  And, let's be honest here...we know we're getting laid no matter nothing gained, nothing lost.

We ended up fucking exactly who we planned on fucking.  Which we liked, because it came with good conversation before and after - including a lovely session of touching and snuggling between the female halves while we talked until the very, very late into the night (or was it early morning by then?).

We learned to bring our own food for the room to snack later, as there was nothing - aside from the vending machines - available after the party shut down.  We probably should have foreseen this need, but, as it was, the convenience store across the street was a bit shady and had little to offer at 4 in the morning.  Lesson learned.

Overall, the experience was positive, and I think Club Sapphire has the right idea.

I personally prefer a smaller, house-party atmosphere, but that's just because I'm not much of a social butterfly.  I like to be around people that I know and trust, because I'm more likely to trust the people they bring to the mix.

Small groups are the best, and hooking up with a couple at a big party just to have sex and go our separate ways isn't really in our playbook.  We like to build relationships.  After all, that leads to intimacy...which leads to more passionate sex.  A party is a nice place to meet, though.  And Sapphire's website mentions this very aspect:

"Our focus is to create exciting events and functions in and around the Seattle area where friendships and intimacy may be explored in a discreet, safe and party-like environment."

"The overall concept of a lifestyle swing club is to provide a safe place where you and your partner can explore your fantasies. The exact fantasies are up to the person, but the hope is by providing a safe place these fantasies will be enacted and will grow into even more fulfilling sexual experiences."

Club Sapphire has an e-newsletter to which you can subscribe and a calendar of events posted on their website.  They are worth checking out.

New Horizons also has a website, but their events calendar is curiously empty/inaccessible.  Hmmmm....,r:76,s:100,i:232
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