Thursday, May 26, 2016

False Advertising?

Photographs can be deceiving. When I choose what I'm going to put out there for the world to see, of course I'm going to choose photos that highlight my best attributes and make me look my best in every way. There are some pretty sneaky ways to hide what I don't like. And I can use props and clothing to aid in the artistic presentation of my best possible self, be that my body or my face.

This can become a problem.

For example...if I'm looking for a "date" online, all I've got to go by are your words and your pictures. Now, I understand, this is a sales pitch, so you're going to provide me your best pictures. That being said, if all you have are pictures of your dick, you're either super proud of it,'re hiding something....or both.

I understand not showing your face...I don't either...that has to be dealt with at some point before we meet, though - just sayin'. And even after that, I may not "feel it" in person.

As for your body? It's only fair that you represent it accurately. This isn't about being superficial. This is about attraction, and while it's possible for me to be attracted to someone I don't immediately find hot, there's going to have to be some serious chemistry. What you weigh doesn't really matter. I'm okay with a realistic body. But don't show pictures from 15 years ago and then end up being the 100-pound-heavier version when I see you in person and then wonder why I'm being so shallow. I'll do you the same courtesy.

Besides, I'm married to a guy I already find hot. I'm already having sex on a regular basis. I have an outlet, so this is purely supplemental. That means I have a lot of room to be choosy.

I actually think men are better at being honest about their appearance. Women are pretty terrible about their photos on "dating" sites. For all the unfair press guys get about their dick pics, women are almost as bad with their tits. I have them...I know what they look like already. And yours? Well, okay - they might be nice, but what else you got? Oh...your ass? Yes, I have one of those, too. I know a lot of guys love to comment on these pictures, and I post quite a few of them because of that....but....

I'll need a bit more than tits and ass and dicks to find you inspiring enough to contact.

That's where we fall back on words, which can be just as, if not more, deceiving. I'm not saying I need your life story and all your secrets up front, but at least represent yourself honestly enough that I get a picture of who you are and what you like to do in life. How am I supposed to know if we're compatible if all you say is that you're looking for like-minded people to hang out with? Duh.

What about your interests? Your hobbies? Your sexual desires? What you're seeking in a relationship?

I'm just growing so disenchanted with the whole process. I really and truly don't see the joy in working this hard simply to create more drama in my life. Because that is what it always ends up being.

Part of the problem is that it's not just me in this game. There's my husband. And the other person's significant other (if he or she has one). Trying to get 4 people on the same page...with chemistry...and calendars....? Yeah, that's hard shit right there.

Anyhow, being involved in this whole online dating business - well, it has encouraged me to fix in my own profile all the things that annoy me in others.

I'm almost 40. I've got lumps and rolls and stretch marks and cellulite. I'm moody as fuck, and I get jealous. But I like sex. And if you can get past all my shit, I'm worth it. Really.

If you can't see that...or don't want to...that's okay. I'm cool with it. But, I'm going to do my best to represent myself accurately in my profiles and writing. This is who I am...flaws and all.

The irony is... I actually met my husband online, and the photo I had posted as my profile pic wasn't my best, but it was what I had at the time (pre-selfie years, so uploading photos meant physically cropping and then scanning a picture in). I didn't have a scanner in my apartment, so I had to use a photo I already had on senior picture. At the time, I was I was using a 10 year old picture. Bad form. Yes. And here I was thinking it was a decent representation of, at least, my face. Funny thing is, my husband didn't even like the picture. But, he contacted me anyway since so few people in our age bracket were even available.

We ended up together, at the time, because we were the only people under the age of forty on the local personals site.

Oddly worked out, because our profiles themselves, and our subsequent online conversations, divulged that we were actually pretty compatible. And we were honest about who we were and what we wanted.

Online dating is tough. But for those of us in small towns, it can be one of the only ways to branch out.

I've just never really been a fan of dating anyway. So, doing it when I don't have to just adds a whole new level of "WTF?" And yes, I question myself often. Why am I doing this? Is it for Him? What am I getting out of this? Other than stress and disappointment?

Good questions, really...for another night.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Writing for an Audience

Alright, let's revise this sad little state of affairs I call a Fetlife Profile...

Draft 1...the brutally honest approach:

First of all, I'm not even really sure I want you, to be perfectly honest. Sometimes, I wonder why I'm even looking for you...or IF I'm even looking for you. Maybe I'm intentionally sabotaging my chances by being evasive and absent. But then, how fucked up is that?

I'm in a good marriage. I'm satisfied sexually and emotionally. My husband compliments me. He takes time to get to know my desires and fears. Basically, I don't need anything besides him. But...he wants to play outside the marriage, and, while I'm not planning to begrudge him the opportunity, I've learned the hard way that the only way I'm going to be able to handle that is if I'm playing, too. I need a distraction. So, that's where you come in. No pressure, right?

Second, I'm busy. I don't have time to text you all day. I'm not going to run out and meet you whenever you call. I'm not going to rearrange my life to fit yours. Because, let's face it, you're not important enough to me, yet. In fact, I might not even pick up the phone when you ring...because, did I mention? I'm busy. And...if I'm really telling the cold, hard truth...I don't like people much, anyway.

Third, I'm disenchanted. I've been disappointed sexually by a lot of other women's husbands. WTF? Could you at least attempt to please someone besides yourself? At least a little? Maybe pretend? I mean, I get want to fuck strange pussy. But, see...I don't want to just be a fuck toy. Oh wait...that's all I want YOU to be, so that's a double standard, huh? I guess what I really want is to eventually be friends with you. If you can make me laugh and you're fun to hang out with, I might actually start to LIKE you. I might actually start to care. Hold on here...that's not going to work. I can't like you. I can't care. Because that would complicate things. And I want nothing other than to avoid complications.

Fourth, I don't need your drama (and, the irony is not lost on me with this request). If you don't have a solid relationship yourself, I'm probably not interested. If you have a low self-esteem...I'm not the one to help you raise it. If you have been treated poorly by previous lovers, I'm not going to help you heal. I don't have time for that.  

Oh wait. This is coming out way too bitchy and crazy. I'm writing for an audience, right? I need to sell myself. I need to sound truthful, but I should probably shape it and mold it for public consumption. And be nicer.

Okay, let's try a different angle (lying through my teeth):

Hi, my name is Brigit. I'm a hot MILF with a wet pussy...just looking for a bit of side action. Please share your dick pics with me and ask me for my number so we can hook up for random, anonymous sex in dive hotels in my small town. Just message me. But, please make sure to include all kinds of grammatical errors, because that turns me on. I love dumb guys. The dumber the better. It's sort of a fetish with me. And please try to immediately usurp my Dom's power. That's such a hot thing for a guy to do.

Nope. That's not working either. I have GOT to keep my opinions (and sarcasm) to myself. Once again...I have to think "target audience" here. Sell yourself, Brigit! Sell yourself...bring on the euphemism and loaded language:

Hi, I'm Brigit. I'm an occasionally kinky woman who is interested in fulfilling her husband's desire to expand our sexual horizons by including other sex-positive and open-minded (preferably) couples in our life. I have a lot of growing to do in this area, but I think I'm up for the challenge.

My luck in "the lifestyle" hasn't been great. Most of my experiences have been disappointing, for various reasons which I will not describe here. No reason to be negative when hope springs eternal, right?

I'm always up for stimulating and witty conversation. I am, therefore, not likely to respond to comments or requests which fail to really engage me in some way, so please have something interesting to say, or pass my profile by and find someone who'll be more accepting of lackluster dialogue.

I give you fair warning that I can be slow to warm. My introversion can be off-putting to some, especially those who are not willing to put in the necessary effort. And I understand if putting in the effort to really get to know me isn't your thing. I figure if I'm honest about that, I can stop you in tracks before you contact me, so as not to waste your time.

Now, if you're still reading this profile, you're either a glutton for punishment, or you're still considering sending me a message. If that's the case, read on.

I can be a jealous girl, and I have a hard time getting to know women, in general. That doesn't mean I don't like them. Quite the contrary. When I find women I can talk to comfortably, it's a beautiful thing. And I actually enjoy watching my husband fuck other women. I've even been known to get involved myself. That being said, single women are not on my list of "must haves." I can save everyone a little heartache by simply being up front about that. 

Likewise, single men...Daddy is King in my world. If he doesn't approve of go. So, again, it might just be wise for you to seek entertainment elsewhere. 

Still reading? Hmmm....

Well, that must mean you are a couple. It must mean you have a solid relationship and are looking for intelligent friends with whom you might build a relationship. You are probably well-educated in some way (college degrees not required). You like to read. You enjoy various activities that may or may not include music, books, film, games, outdoor recreation, live sports, sharing good food and spirits. You also have a sense of humor and are likely rather patient, laid-back people who avoid drama and understand the difficulties of meeting up with other parent-types who have jobs and are just trying to fit a little kink and laughter into their already busy lives. 

You understand what this is about. Connection. Conversation. Fun. 

Still reading? Really? 

Why haven't you messaged me yet? realize how rare you are, right?

Yes. That'll do. Just the right amount of truth, tempered with the right amount of artistic phrasing. Target audience has been well-defined. Purpose and goal are clear. I think that one is a keeper.

Good lord, writing is hard some days.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Secular Submission

Like many women living in the modern world, I'm trying to tackle it all. I'm a wife and a mother with a full-time job...and yes - sometimes it REALLY sucks. It's pretty much impossible to do it all and and do it well. I've yet to meet a woman who could do it - without a lot of outside help. It's not that it isn't just seems to be impossible to do it while keeping your sanity.

Part of the problem, too, in my opinion, is that we've lost our way as a gender. I'm all for equal rights, don't get me wrong; we all deserve respect. But, marriage has changed in society as our roles have changed over time. And as a result, divorce rates have gone up. There are a lot of reasons for this (which I won't go into here), but I think a lot of it has to do with our expectations as men and women. Women want to have options. We want to be able to work or not work...have kids or not have loved, romanced, respected, and revered, be in charge, and have the fairy tale. I'm generalizing here, of course, but it seems to me a lot of women want options to do and be whatever they want, but they don't want any expectations put on them. I suppose the same could be said of men...I'm not being sexist here.

Our guys are on the sidelines trying to figure out what side to root for. Some of us are telling them - don't worry about bringing home the bacon on your own, love...I can do it, too. For lots of guys, that's cool. They have no problem sharing the load. It takes the weight off of them and makes it possible to pay the bills (yes, I get it - for many of us, two incomes are the only way to survive). The problem arises when women try to tackle it all: raising kids and being supermom (seriously, Pintrest is the devil - it makes us all look bad), keeping an awesome house (why exactly did this become a societal competition?), looking amazing (diet, gym, next fad?). All this "control" leads us to feeling "out of control." And it confuses the hell out of most men? What they hell are they good for if we can do everything?  Are they just along for the ride? Are they just there to pick up the slack? Or are we going to let them be men? Do we have the strength to give them back their most valuable roles? Men are (usually) natural protectors and providers. That doesn't mean women are just means we (usually) are better care-takers. These are, of course, generalizations. And I'm not saying this concept of "secular submission" is for everyone.

Men and women are both capable. But, to keep things going smoothly, decisions have to be made. In a relationship, each person needs to take some of the weight. How a couple divides it is up to them, but it has a lot to do with the personalities, talents, and needs of the people involved. For our family, I'm better at keeping house, he's better at cooking. I'm better at keeping up with our son's extra-curricular activities, he's better at discipline. I'm better at grocery shopping, he's better at keeping the finances. It's a constant balancing act that requires answers to questions like:

Who did I marry? What does that person need most? What does he or she want most?

I'm not saying that we should roll over and be doormats. But, when we got married, we sort of signed on to be build each other stand beside each other. If we wanted total freedom - we wouldn't have chosen this path. If we wanted total equality...we would be out there burning our bras. Marriage is not a feminist institution. It's an agreement between two people that involves compromise and hard work. In marriage, we aren't likely to get everything we want. But something we should expect is that our partner will do everything in his or her power to make us happy - if we do the same. It's a symbiotic relationship. And there IS a recipe for making it work.

The difficulty is finding the right ingredients, knowing that over time, we may need to change things up a bit.

A "secular submissive" is a woman (or man, I suppose) who does everything in her power to be the woman her husband needs and wants. She doesn't take abuse, but sometimes she has to learn to keep her opinions in check and her mouth on notice. She has to learn her husband inside and out. What makes him feel strong and powerful? What makes him feel weak? What does he love about her? What would he change? It doesn't mean losing yourself. But it does mean learning to make him happy. It means...when you have two choices, and he'd prefer one, you go with that - because you love him - and because it makes you happy to make him happy.

The benefit? He's likely to do the same, eventually, because he'll feel grateful to have such an accommodating and hard-working woman at his side.

The "secular submissive" concept is also my answer to the more religious "submissive wife." See, I'm not Christian (though I'm plenty spiritual in my own way). I've done a lot of research on submissive wives, and while a lot of the ideas work for me, the religious references often don't. So, I had to come up with a personal application. I still use some of those religious principles as a springboard (and I'll write about some of that here), but "secular submissives" do not have to believe in God. I am not doing this for a higher power, I'm doing it for me, for my husband, and for my marriage. And in some ways, that makes it harder. To say you're doing something for God can take the sting out of unpleasant choices and actions. You can rise above it. Your husband isn't God. So resentment is an emotion that can easily rear it's head when he isn't giving what he's getting. That's something a "secular submissive" really needs to learn to deal with.

Being submissive takes guts, even though it stems from a person's natural predilection. It takes a lot of soul-searching and consideration. You have to figure out what you need most and want most...and you have to figure out what your man needs and wants most. And then you've got to put him first. Before yourself. Before your children. Before your work. If you want your marriage to be amazing.

I'm still learning the way here. And I'm by no means and expert. But, I'm at a point in my journey where I'm ready to start sharing.

Why bother, might you ask? Especially when I know I'm opening myself up to criticism from both the feminists and the religious "submissives"? Well, because in my research, I haven't found anything for those of us non-religious folks who want healthy marriages with traditional gender roles. I'm tired of feeling like a failure as a woman because I can't hold down a full-time job, raise an amazing kid, and be a killer wife. I think a lot of women feel that way. I think a lot of MEN feel that way. We've put far too much pressure on ourselves - too many expectations on our gender roles. Men are now expected to be strong protectors who romance their wives and be vulnerable and sensitive...but only when their women want it. They're supposed to help raise the children and help with the housework and give up all their time to the wife and family. They're supposed to listen to their wives and support their dreams and be the backbone of the family. It's a bit much, don't you think? Wouldn't it be easier if we all let each other off the hook a bit? Cooled our expectations?

It takes a lot of saying "no". It takes a lot making choices. But, ultimately, the goal is a lasting, happy marriage that benefits everyone involved.

I look back at the women of the past. Those hard-working, stay-at-home moms who always put their kids first. Husbands expected to be put first...and society sure had a lot to say to women about how they could and should put their men first. But there was a lot of underlying resentment towards men. Men asked for what they wanted in unsuccessful ways. And women did as they were told with hidden anger and growing depression. Sure, some of them found happiness. But, the feminist movement wouldn't have happened if women, as a whole, were happy. They wanted opportunity. They wanted respect.

But what if we could be respected AND be good wives and mothers? What if we could be happy "June Cleavers" with meaningful work outside and inside the home? What if we embraced our gender? What if we made it our own? What if we reveled in it instead of trying to be more like men to prove ourselves worthy? We don't have to be tough in the same ways. We have our own kind of strength. And femininity is a virtue, girls...not a weakness. Our more nurturing ways are necessary to society. Our ability to mother and care for is imperative. isn't for everyone. And those women who choose a different path...more power to them. I don't judge women who decide to devote their lives to becoming CEOs and politicians...women who want to change the world and use their power and intelligence to do that. I think they can even find the right men to marry if they choose.

For me, however...things are different. I married a traditional man with some alternative interests. And I'm learning to adapt to my world - because I love him to the moon and back.

There are different types of submission. My philosophy (which is always in a state of metamorphosis) is currently broken into two concepts: sexual submission and mental/emotional submission. Notice there is no spiritual submission? Yep...that's the difference between secular submission and religious submission, because, quite honestly, religious submission includes both of the other types, too. That spiritual component is the thing that makes religious submission possible and necessary. You're doing it all for God. With secular submission, you're doing it because it works and because it's just the right thing for your marriage. It is an on-going choice you make because you love someone and because it makes things run more smoothly for everyone involved - and because it meets the soul needs of the people involved.

This is about seeking happiness. It's about finding a place of harmony, balance, and calm. In a way...that IS spiritual. I'm the yang to his yin. We are equally necessary, but our roles are very different. And we continually aspire to improve upon what has already established.

For us, submission is just natural.