Alright, let's revise this sad little state of affairs I call a Fetlife Profile...
Draft 1...the brutally honest approach:
First of all, I'm not even really sure I want you, to be perfectly honest. Sometimes, I wonder why I'm even looking for you...or IF I'm even looking for you. Maybe I'm intentionally sabotaging my chances by being evasive and absent. But then, how fucked up is that?
I'm in a good marriage. I'm satisfied sexually and emotionally. My husband compliments me. He takes time to get to know my desires and fears. Basically, I don't need anything besides him. But...he wants to play outside the marriage, and, while I'm not planning to begrudge him the opportunity, I've learned the hard way that the only way I'm going to be able to handle that is if I'm playing, too. I need a distraction. So, that's where you come in. No pressure, right?
Second, I'm busy. I don't have time to text you all day. I'm not going to run out and meet you whenever you call. I'm not going to rearrange my life to fit yours. Because, let's face it, you're not important enough to me, yet. In fact, I might not even pick up the phone when you ring...because, did I mention? I'm busy. And...if I'm really telling the cold, hard truth...I don't like people much, anyway.
Third, I'm disenchanted. I've been disappointed sexually by a lot of other women's husbands. WTF? Could you at least attempt to please someone besides yourself? At least a little? Maybe pretend? I mean, I get it...you want to fuck strange pussy. But, see...I don't want to just be a fuck toy. Oh wait...that's all I want YOU to be, so that's a double standard, huh? I guess what I really want is to eventually be friends with you. If you can make me laugh and you're fun to hang out with, I might actually start to LIKE you. I might actually start to care. Hold on here...that's not going to work. I can't like you. I can't care. Because that would complicate things. And I want nothing other than to avoid complications.
Fourth, I don't need your drama (and, the irony is not lost on me with this request). If you don't have a solid relationship yourself, I'm probably not interested. If you have a low self-esteem...I'm not the one to help you raise it. If you have been treated poorly by previous lovers, I'm not going to help you heal. I don't have time for that.
Oh wait. This is coming out way too bitchy and crazy. I'm writing for an audience, right? I need to sell myself. I need to sound truthful, but I should probably shape it and mold it for public consumption. And be nicer.
Okay, let's try a different angle (lying through my teeth):
Hi, my name is Brigit. I'm a hot MILF with a wet pussy...just looking for a bit of side action. Please share your dick pics with me and ask me for my number so we can hook up for random, anonymous sex in dive hotels in my small town. Just message me. But, please make sure to include all kinds of grammatical errors, because that turns me on. I love dumb guys. The dumber the better. It's sort of a fetish with me. And please try to immediately usurp my Dom's power. That's such a hot thing for a guy to do.
Nope. That's not working either. I have GOT to keep my opinions (and sarcasm) to myself. Once again...I have to think "target audience" here. Sell yourself, Brigit! Sell yourself...bring on the euphemism and loaded language:
Hi, I'm Brigit. I'm an occasionally kinky woman who is interested in fulfilling her husband's desire to expand our sexual horizons by including other sex-positive and open-minded (preferably) couples in our life. I have a lot of growing to do in this area, but I think I'm up for the challenge.
My luck in "the lifestyle" hasn't been great. Most of my experiences have been disappointing, for various reasons which I will not describe here. No reason to be negative when hope springs eternal, right?
I'm always up for stimulating and witty conversation. I am, therefore, not likely to respond to comments or requests which fail to really engage me in some way, so please have something interesting to say, or pass my profile by and find someone who'll be more accepting of lackluster dialogue.
I give you fair warning that I can be slow to warm. My introversion can be off-putting to some, especially those who are not willing to put in the necessary effort. And I understand if putting in the effort to really get to know me isn't your thing. I figure if I'm honest about that, I can stop you in tracks before you contact me, so as not to waste your time.
Now, if you're still reading this profile, you're either a glutton for punishment, or you're still considering sending me a message. If that's the case, read on.
I can be a jealous girl, and I have a hard time getting to know women, in general. That doesn't mean I don't like them. Quite the contrary. When I find women I can talk to comfortably, it's a beautiful thing. And I actually enjoy watching my husband fuck other women. I've even been known to get involved myself. That being said, single women are not on my list of "must haves." I can save everyone a little heartache by simply being up front about that.
Likewise, single men...Daddy is King in my world. If he doesn't approve of you...you go. So, again, it might just be wise for you to seek entertainment elsewhere.
Still reading? Hmmm....
Well, that must mean you are a couple. It must mean you have a solid relationship and are looking for intelligent friends with whom you might build a relationship. You are probably well-educated in some way (college degrees not required). You like to read. You enjoy various activities that may or may not include music, books, film, games, outdoor recreation, live sports, sharing good food and spirits. You also have a sense of humor and are likely rather patient, laid-back people who avoid drama and understand the difficulties of meeting up with other parent-types who have jobs and are just trying to fit a little kink and laughter into their already busy lives.
You understand what this is about. Connection. Conversation. Fun.
Still reading? Really?
Why haven't you messaged me yet? Because...you realize how rare you are, right?
Yes. That'll do. Just the right amount of truth, tempered with the right amount of artistic phrasing. Target audience has been well-defined. Purpose and goal are clear. I think that one is a keeper.
Good lord, writing is hard some days.