My Writing

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Power Resides in Specificity

So, I noticed this link on my Facebook feed today...and I clicked, absently, prepared to waste a few minutes of my morning doing anything besides getting up, getting dressed, and cleaning the house. But, after "wasting" those minutes, I realized I really got something out of the article.

So, I figured I'd share it with you...It was published in the Huffington Post, but it comes originally from a website/blog I frequent on a regular basis (Momastery). I'm sort of jealous of this woman's willingness to just "put it all out there". Her willingness to be so open and vulnerable. She shares family photos and explains her daily struggles and triumphs...the lessons she learns.

All this, while I hide behind anonymity, use a fake name, and am sure to keep all names, faces, and specific references to anything that might give my identity away hidden.

Well, I suppose that's understandable, given the nature of my site vs. the nature of hers. She's not sharing "dirty little secrets". And people would be hard pressed to find anything immoral about her posts. I guess that fear of being judged just gives a little more away about my insecurities. But, there you have it.

Now, go enjoy the article.

The Questions That Will Save Your Relationship



Friday, January 24, 2014

I Flunked "Affection 101"


I'll be honest...I'm a shameless introvert. People wear me out. They cause me anxiety and discomfort, and while I can fake it pretty well and do enjoy spending time with close friends in small groups...the majority of social situations make me nauseous.

This can cause problems in a species that values human connection and interaction. I would honestly choose staying home with a good book and a bottle of wine over going to a party where I'd have to mingle with a bunch of strangers. I don't do small talk (see no reason for it, really), and I have a hard time initiating conversation.

Hell...I don't even like talking on the phone.

It's not that I don't like anyone. I do. I have close friends, family, my husband...whom I can talk to incessantly (in person). And I'm pretty good to go with new people as long as it's one-on-one or just a few people with whom I have something in common. It's that "not having anything to talk about" that makes my stomach do flip-flops, because I'm just no good at filling silence with useless words about things I don't care about in an effort to make a connection with someone I don't plan to let into my world.

It's makes me think of "the circle of trust" from the movie Meet the Fockers. I keep that circle small...which in my mind, makes the circle stronger and easier to maintain. There is no being "sort of in" or "sort of out" of the circle. You're either in or out. While a lot of things reside in the gray area for me, that is not one of them. Totally black and white.

Mr. LL even (affectionately) calls me his little porcupine. Guess my quills keep me from getting too close to anything.

But, this (of course) causes a lot of issues in a marriage. I like a lot of time alone. I get stressed out easily by the mere presence of family or large groups of anyone.

And because I spend so much time in my head, I sometimes forget to take care of the world outside of it.

Keeping people at arm's length isn't always detrimental...but keeping the people you love at arm's length is.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm subconsciously protecting myself from...losing someone? being vulnerable? showing weakness? being rejected?

Am I really that insecure?

Possibly.

But, I can admit that take a remedial course in "showing people how much they matter" might be a useful pursuit for me.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Being an Alpha Male who takes charge of a woman (or any one else, for that matter) does NOT make you a rapist



Mr. LL was off at a training last week.

One night, he called me and told me about a video he saw in "class". (I couldn't get the damned video to "embed", so you'll have to just click the link to view it.)

I have to start with the misunderstanding that Mr. LL had because the video was taken out of context and only a fraction of it was shown....so bear with me - there is an alternate ending to this story.

So, Mr. LL tells me on the phone that I have to watch this video. That this guy has a skewed vision of "the alpha male" as an enemy to society...that we teach our young men to become rapists by teaching them to become alpha males.

In this scenario "alpha male" is synonymous with "chauvinist pig" or "emotionless degenerate who takes advantage of the weak." Both Mr. LL and I could not disagree more. Being an alpha male who is dominant means (to me) that you are a strong man who leads well and others are therefore drawn to you and are willing to have you lead. An alpha male does not need to use force (unless it has been requested in the context of the negotiation and is agreed upon by all parties) and has nothing to prove. Respect is the name of the game.

I think some people have a skewed idea of the term "alpha". Too often it is considered to be synonymous with "pushy" or "bossy"..."overbearing", "egotistical", "sexually forceful", "ruthless", "malevolent", or "misogynistic".  I see it more as "magnetic", "commanding", "confident", and "charismatic".

Now it's important to re-note...Mr. LL was not shown the entire video. So when he told me to go and watch it and see what I thought of this guy's argument...I did (after all, Mr. LL is an alpha male, and I usually do what he asks me to - because I want to).

About 7 minutes in to this 8 minute video, I found myself cocking my head to the side, wondering what on earth Mr. LL was thinking? Where had this guy gone wrong? I couldn't see any part of his argument that was off...except maybe the indirect over-generalization that teaching young men to be aggressive athletes might have some carry-over to their sex lives and other human interaction. Ultimately, I think he was really just trying to say that our society condones a "rape culture" and that we should teach young men to be responsible, level-headed, respectful humans who would never think of exploiting others for their own gain. No argument there

What these young football players did is reprehensible. Stupid, idiotic (filming it just proves how dumb they really were), and criminal.

Our society does need to teach our young people to be respectful toward each other. We should be teaching our kids that they don't have the right to just take whatever they want because they can.  And teaching young men (or women) about sex, instead of allowing them to pick up "helpful hints" from each other, the internet (woe is me), or "reading material", is an obligation of the involved parent.

But, it would be a faulty correlation to say that teaching our young men to be strong, competitive, and aggressive is teaching them to disrespect women or anyone else. Athletes are not necessarily going to become alpha males, and even if they do...that does not make them likely rapists.

Despite the "violence" associated with competitive, contact sports, I would not say that these sorts of athletes are made more violent because of the sport. In fact, I might argue the opposite, as it gives them an outlet for their natural aggressive tendencies. "Modern Primate" (as he calls himself), does not try to make the claim directly that competitive, contact sports make young men into raving lunatics who condone and act on impulses that would be considered immoral or criminal. And 99% of his argument is hard to disagree with. But while I do, indeed, agree that we have created a "rape culture", I also believe that some would have us create an "anti-alpha male" society in which only those who are gender-neutral or peaceable are socially acceptable. There are all types of men (and women). Strong ones, weak ones, compassionate ones, and jerks...  Alpha males have their place. They can be just as compassionate and loving as the meek, nerdy guy in glasses who writes code in the cubicle in the corner and won't make eye contact with anyone. They just don't have trouble looking you in the eye and telling it like it is.

His video is worth a watch, though. Really. I don't feel like I need to get back those 8 minutes.

(His video also references an interesting article called "An Incomplete Guide to Not Creeping". Check it out if you have nothing better to do.)

Alpha Male editorial by Esquire (a fun photo essay)...

Are Alpha Males in Danger of Extinction? (Women's Health Magazine)


Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Mirror, Mirror

Not too long ago, I woke up in the middle of the night. I went in to the bathroom to get a drink of water...

For some reason, the thought came to me that I should write a little message on the mirror for Mr. LL to see when he woke up (he gets up VERY early to go to work). I dug through my make-up drawer looking for lipstick...couldn't find any - just chapstick...which wouldn't do at all. I thought about eye-liner, but then considered just how difficult that would be to remove (I'm nothing if not practical). Mascara? Too wispy (and hell...I don't really want to waste that - it's one of the few types of make-up I actually wear every day). Eye shadow? Wouldn't really show up. I couldn't find a damn thing that would work, and I didn't want to creep out of the bedroom and risk waking Mr. LL up in my frantic hunt for a mirror-writing implement. I had bath crayons in my son's bathroom that would have worked nicely, but....

So, I opened up the cupboard and started thinking outside of the box. That's when I saw an bar of soap sitting there, unwrapped, exposed, and just begging to be used...for something.

See I changed brands...and Mr. LL hated it - so there it was - lonely and unwanted. Hmmm...wonder if it'll work.

Well, it did. Quite nicely. A little comment..."You make my knees weak, my breath catch in my throat, and my lips quiver (both sets)."

And now I've taken to writing on the mirrors in my house on a regular basis...even in my son's bathroom ("Your a cool kid. I love you.") The beauty of it is, it's easy to clean off, it stays...even through the steam of a shower, and it's cheap.

So, mirror, mirror on the wall - what will you say today?


Monday, January 13, 2014

Balance

So, I'm single-moming it this week. Mr. LL is off to a work conference, and I get to "do it all". There's nothing like single-parenting to make one half of a married couple appreciate the other.

It's not so much that Mr. LL does all that much in the "mothering" department. I mean, we are a pretty traditional pair; I do the majority of the "kid" stuff. That means I pack lunches in the morning, get the kid up and snuggled for a few minutes, "encourage" him (through clenched teeth) to stay on task and get his morning routine done, fly him out the door with breakfast in hand, taxi him to school on my way to work, pick him up, get him changed, get him to practice (of whatever type is going on at the time), get him fed, showered, homework done....and in bed on time.

Most days, it just doesn't go that smoothly, though. And if nothing else, it's nice to at least have someone to share the complaints with...someone to pass the baton to, when I walk through the door, exhausted and frustrated.

The funny thing is, as much as I stress about trying to juggle a career, be a good mom, be a dutiful wife, be a lover, and a friend, and a daughter....I know I can't be perfect. I have to focus on wearing one hat at a time. And it can be hard to change hats quickly enough to take advantage of the opportunities presented to me. I'm not always excited to be a mom. So putting on the mom hat doesn't always turn me in to mom of the year. Likewise, I'm not always in the mood, so putting on the lover hat can also be a big, fat fail. If my head isn't in the game, putting a hat on isn't going to change that. Even when I have no other choice.

On the way home from practice tonight, I caught the tail end of an interview with Sonia Sotomayor. A highly successful, childless (by choice) woman who has worked her way through the justice system to the very top, Sotomayor had a good reminder for me:


"This whole continuing question about whether women can 'have it all' -- I think it's the wrong question. I think the right question should be, 'What makes you happy as a person? Do you want to not 'have it all' but to have both in your life in an imperfect way? Because if the question presupposes that you're going to do both and be equally happy at every moment, it's a false question. It's compromise; it's a balance; it's figuring out what's the most important thing you have to give at that moment and to what. All of that is a constant work in progress."

It's amazing how hard working women can be on themselves. And we sometimes lose ourselves in the process. We want our children to be happy and successful; we want our families to be comfortable and taken care of...and sometimes we forget - that to be a good "anything", we have to take time for ourselves. I cannot be a good employee if I do not continue my education and stay committed to improving. I cannot be a good wife if I drop the ball and forget to pick it up again. I cannot be a good mother if I don't enjoy my child...at least some of the time.

And trying to do all of that at the same time, expecting it all to turn out perfect - or even close, is fool-hardy. Stupid, even. But, I do it sometimes, just the same. "Do you want to not 'have it all' or have both in your life in an imperfect way?"

It's a good question to ask on my worst days, really. Would I rather have taken a different path? I remember being in high school, determined to get a journalism degree and head off into the world of foreign correspondence. I didn't want kids...I didn't want to get married. 


And then something shifted. My biological clock? I don't know, but some time in my mid-20's I changed my mind. I chose a more traditional career that would allow me to have a family but still be creative in the way that I liked. I chose to get married. I chose to have a child. 

I could have chosen differently. My life might be more exciting. But, it would be a life without my husband and son...which I truly cannot imagine. I suppose there are benefits to either path. And of course, there are benefits to being a stay at home mom without the pressures of having a 2nd career at the same time. 

For us working moms...it's all about balance. Which often seems impossible. It is easier with a partner though. 



Visit NPR for the full interview with the Supreme Court Justice. CLICK HERE.

Monday, January 6, 2014

"PIV is always rape, ok?" WTF!!!!?

So, just a short post...but I HAD to share this lunacy. I'm all for people having their own opinions, but honestly, that can be taken too far. For the most part, I just feel sorry for this woman. To live your life feeling like the entire male population is out to get you and has only one evil purpose in life is just plain sexist.

But, I must admit...this is a highly amusing read. I might even have to read a few more of her posts.

The post is called "PIV is always rape, ok?" at witchwind.wordpress.com

Here's my favorite part:
"...intercourse is inherently harmful to women and intentionally so, because it causes pregnancy in women. The purpose of men enforcing intercourse regularly (as in, more than once a month) onto women is because it’s the surest way to cause pregnancy and force childbearing against our will, and thereby gain control over our reproductive powers. There is no way to eliminate the pregnancy risk entirely off PIV and the mitigating and harm-reduction practices such as contraception and abortion are inherently harmful, too. Reproductive harms of PIV range from pregnancy to abortion, having to take invasive, or toxic contraception, giving birth, forced child bearing and rearing and all the complications that go with them which may lead up to severe physical and emotional damage, disability, destitution, illness, or death (See factcheckme.wordpress.com for her work on the reproductive harms of PIV, click on the “intercourse series” page or “PIV” in the search bar). If we compare this to even the crappiest online definition of violence: “behaviour involving physical force intended to hurt, damage, or kill someone or something”. Bingo. It fits: Pregnancy = may hurt, damage or kill. Intercourse = a man using his physical force to penetrate a woman. Intention / purpose of the act of intercourse = to cause pregnancy.  PIV is therefore intentional harm / violence. Intentional sexual harm of a man against a woman through penile penetration = RAPE."

My second favorite part is her crazy definition...

 "If we look at the act in more detail (skip this parag if you can’t take it), PIV is a man mounting on a woman to thrust a large member of himself into her most intimate parts, often forcing her to be entirely naked, banging himself against her with the whole weight of his body and hips, shaking her like he would stuff a corpse, then using her insides as a receptacle for his penile dejection. "

Ouch. I'd hate to be this poor girl's father...what with all her intense hatred for men, I can't imagine that she could look at him as anything more than a violent criminal who "stuffed her mom" with his "penile dejection" as if she were a corpse. Ugh.


She follows this with a fun little tidbit:
"The term “fuck you” is not an insult for nothing, men know why – it’s the worst thing you can do to a human being."
Really? Because I'm pretty sure I can think of a few much more awful forms of torture that not even the most sadistic person could find arousing.

The world must be a terrifying and ugly place for someone like this woman. Thank the gods above that I appreciate men for all they bring to the world and to relationships. I am not the product of a rape...though I have had my own experiences. All I can think is that this poor woman has had some sort of harrowing or life-threatening, therapy-necessitating experience that has pushed her to this sort of irrational and hateful interpretation of sex.

I'm also wondering just how on earth she thinks we are to continue the species if we aren't having sex and having children - which apparently must be premeditated acts of violence committed initially by a masculine god who had it out for women from the start. Even if we only think of sex for procreation...it's still necessary. Unless we do everything in a test tube and a woman implants the cells into herself (maybe that would be considered self-mutilation?).

Hmmm...I'm confuddled.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Borrowed Bodies

Okay...I wasn't planning on doing a second post today...but I made the (good?) mistake of checking out the FFF prompt (compliments of Thomas at Three Spelling Mistakes). It guess it isn't really a story, but this is what came out in response to the photo and the 200 word limit (required word "borrowed" and forbidden word "forever").


Borrowed Bodies

Our bodies are borrowed from ourselves and each other. We use them to ingest the world, tasting lovers with hungry mouths, touching them with greedy hands. Some are more interested in devouring skin, while others would rather lie back and be taken, like ripe fruit from a basket on the kitchen counter. That is my preference. To be blind-folded and mastered by a benevolent chef...a man who knows how to present me to the world, how to hold me on his tongue, how to pair me with a fine chianti, its red rivulets singeing a path between my breasts.

You kiss my stinging lips, sore from stretching around your cock...the kind of kiss that says, “I will be here, watching -- you are mine...always.” The kind of kiss that says, “Say nothing.”

I feel a second set of unsatiated hands in my hair, gripping with want. A searching tongue slips between my lips, exploring and preparing for conquest. I can feel the vibration of his need, an inability to contain what is within. Unlike you, he does not know what will become of him. There is a hidden vulnerability. And I crave it between my teeth like a cat does a mouse.


Swollen Lips

I graze my fingertips across my swollen lips
and sigh a mix of release and relief and resolve
to meet this precious, transient hurt by breathing
through my teeth, a quiet hiss that cools the burn.

I inspect the bruised skin, made pinker by use
and infused with the oncoming purples and blues
which will bring with them a residual reminder
that you can take what you want, and I'll let you.

Holding one soft, reddening wing of flesh
between tentative teeth, I feel the sting,
the throbbing ache, and imagine that my
slowing pulse can be seen in the mirror:

a tiny beat, like a distant call from my
heavily pounding heart. I can hear it,
that rush of water in my ears. I close my eyes
and let it wash over me, breathing out.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Step 3: Trial and Error



The first step to fixing a problem is to acknowledge that there is one.

Check.

The second step to fixing a problem is to consider possible solutions.

Half check.

The third step to fixing a problem is to try things until something works.

And that's where we are right now.

I'm fully expecting to drag you along with me as I work my way through this. You can come or not, as your interest demands. Maybe you're just intrigued by my predicament. Maybe you're in a similar one. Maybe you're hoping to avoid ever being here in the first place. Whatever your motivation, if you chose to read my blog from this day forward, just know that my plan is to guide you, like Virgil, through the seven layers of hell and back out to the light. Or at least I hope we'll make it back to the light...with a new and lasting perspective.

As with all marriages or long-term relationships (and I'm not equating marriage to hell, btw...it's more like the light at the end), things don't just happen. And to keep things going well, it takes constant vigilance and involvement and commitment from all interested parties. So the likelihood of me running out of things to write about on this topic is fairly unlikely. It's not like one day I'll wake up, look at my computer screen and say to myself with a mix of awe and disappointment..."Well, my problem's all fixed...I guess I can stop worrying about that now." Nope. Because once I find something that works...it means I'll have to continue finding things that work.

Now, because Mr. LL is also a reader...it means I can't always say up front where and how I'm getting my ideas. I mean...I wouldn't want to give away surprises or leak my plans - so most of what I write will necessarily have to be in retrospect. Fair warning.

Anyhow...for the past few days...my desire seems to have been poking it's head up out it's underground hole. I don't know if it saw its shadow or what that means, but I'm going with it. And of course, I've considered the possibility that this is the beginning of a manic phase that is not just "mixed", which seems to be more what I've been experiencing in the past few years.

It seems that this is a bit of a pattern with me. I have one of those jobs where the bulk of my stress occurs during the end half of the year, which means by late December, I'm starting to see the light again. Because of that, I relax a bit, and I have some time for introspection and relaxation. Maybe naps are part of a successful treatment? Or at least uninterrupted sleep. Whatever the connection, I know I've been here before. I can see the pattern even in my writing. The days are getting longer, and the hope of spring is emerging. Somehow, I feel a bit more energized and less overwhelmed, and my desire seems to respond to that. It's been hiding longer than it ever has (aside from pregnancy and the months that followed). So, maybe the light seems a little brighter. Especially for Mr. LL.

We've been talking at great length about our "problems" and trying to come up with a good way of naming them or explaining them, so that when we meet with the counselor again, we can make sure he understands that we don't (as he has posited) have "attachment issues". We aren't drudging up childhood memories, and we aren't denying our true selves. No. We have a pretty solid foundation - and we're actually pretty balanced people. We're approaching 40, have a busy child with a lot of his own opinions, and we both have demanding careers. We have budgetary concerns, a mortgage, and bills to pay. All your "normal" hum-drum day-to-day concerns. So we may have our counselor a bit befuddled.

We love each other, we tell each other almost everything, we have a colorful sexual past that lands outside of the social norm, and we're pretty open to each other's needs. He knows we are concerned about our sex life, and that sex is an important part of our existence. He even knows about this site (which made him go hmmm...). A sex blogger who doesn't want sex? What a conundrum. Which it is. Totally.

But, I'm also a sex blogger who hasn't been blogging for some time. Someone who has lost her writing (and sexual) mojo. And I'm not even sure which one came or went first. Not only is finding my sexual desire important to me...but so is my desire to write. When I'm writing...things seem right with the world. But, it's a circular thing. I write when things are right, and things are right when I write. The thing is to get myself back on track with one of them so the other will follow. That's always the pickle...finding the catalyst. Finding the thing that makes me put one foot in front of the other and keep doing it until I get where I need to go.

Naming the Problem

For those of you who have read this blog for any length of time, you know I've struggled with libido issues. My sex drive ebbs and flows like the waves of an ocean. Sometimes it's a fucking tsunami. Sometimes, it recedes for miles.

And I know I'm not the only woman on the planet who struggles with this issue. I've heard statistics as high as 1 out of 3 women falling prey to an elusive libido. Which means 1 out of 3 husbands are probably unhappy and sexually frustrated.

I'm one of those people who prefers to research on my own, read up on a topic, and have some sort of understanding of it before I ever bring it to the outside world. But, recently, the dam broke. Mr. LL and I had a blow out fight (which we rarely ever do). In fact...it was so bad he ended up sleeping on the couch for a few days. I was basically given an ultimatum. We were going to counseling or else. I'm not sure either of us really want to define "or else"...but there it was, baring it's teeth and sneering.

I panicked.

I was not about to let 8 years go down the shitter just because I had anxiety issues about talking to an outside party. So, off we headed to the counselor.

I think my biggest problem with seeking outside help is that I had admitting defeat or failure...admitting that I can't take care of everything on my own. I know it's dumb, but it is what it is. I parked outside his office, held my breath for a few moments, closed my eyes, and got out of the car.

In a cozy little corner in the attic of an old house that has been transformed into several counseling offices, Mr. LL and I sat on a love seat in front of a man whom neither of us had ever met. We were there on the recommendation of another couple that we trusted. He asked us standard questions to get to know us and our situation...which basically came down to a concern that we weren't communicating as successfully as we once had. And let's be honest...we were there because my sex drive was dead and my husband didn't feel wanted anymore. The counselor took notes, nodded his head at the appropriate times, and pretty much left me feeling like nothing had been accomplished. Of course...that's the nature of counseling. I know you can't just walk into an office, tell someone you've never met, "Here's my issue...blah, blah, blah...now how do I fix it?", and expect him to know what to do.

Not wanting to be defeatist, and truly needing my marriage to be healthy again, we both made appointments to meet with the counselor on our own over the next week, and then meet together again afterward. Mr. LL went first. We didn't talk much about it...so when it came time for me to go, I was highly anxious.

I don't even like talking about my personal problems with close friends, so being stuck in 10' by 12' room that smelled like incense, talking about my sex drive and my mental health...well...I sort of felt like screaming and running away.

Instead, I sucked it back, and just answered his questions. I left his office feeling like I was quite likely the source of the problem...and, well, frankly, I felt a lot crazier when I came out than I did when I went in. See, I take medication for depression...but my doc put me on it for bipolar symptoms. She was starting me on the lowest dose of the least intrusive drug in an effort to avoid dependence or "sexual side effects" or "weight gain" (yes...I'm that vain...and I refused to take anything that would make me fat....I was already reticent to take medication at all - and was only there because my husband had pretty much forced me to go --- are you noticing a pattern here?). The counselor was concerned that I was taking an antidepressant without a mood stabilizer. He dropped the names of a few medications...lithium...Depakote...and I basically freaked out inside. Is this guy really telling me that I'm crazy? Now before anyone takes offense (because I realize there are hundreds of people with mental health and mood disorders who have already figured out that they are not freaks simply because they need to take a bit of medication to feel balanced), this is purely a personal issue of me trying to come to terms with my own needs without judging myself or feeling like some sort of failure because I can't just fix it myself by reading a book or drinking another glass of wine.

When I got home, I talked to Mr. LL about it. Because, let me make sure you aren't getting the wrong impression...we are very close. We're best friends...so even when we are having marital strife we usually choose each other to talk to about it. I'm a lot more likely to stuff it inside and try to ignore it than he is, but we usually get to the point where we are trying really hard together to figure out how to fix whatever is going wrong. We have a pretty intense connection. But, oddly, there's this wall that erects itself between us on occasion that keeps us from really "seeing" the problem. It can take us weeks to name it...and even longer to solve it. Currently, we are in the "naming" it phase, but we've come to the conclusion that the problems are all Catch-22's.

Problem #1: Mr. LL feels he is lacking something from me.  I seem to have lost my desire and, as a result, Mr. LL feels unwanted.

Problem #2: Mr. LL feels he is lacking something he can't get from me...he needs to feel wanted in more ways than can be accomplished by just me.  He gets restless and bored and craves the "newness" of the unknown and the unattainable. He feels he needs the interaction of other women...women who are married, grounded, and very much in love with their own mates...and are therefore not a threat to our own marriage. Sometimes I do, too...but nearly as often, and not on a regular basis.

Problem #3: Mr. LL feels sorry for wanting what he does. I don't think he should feel sorry or that he should want to or feel that he needs to change to accommodate me. Nor do I feel I should feel sorry for not wanting what he does, nor should I have to change who I am to accommodate him. However, marriage is a great compromise that relies on two people making changes to assure the comfort of the other. So there's that. Not to mention that I don't want him to resent me for not letting him be sexually adventurous...and he doesn't want me to resent him for encouraging me to explore in ways I don't want to go; however, it's not at all my intention to ask him to deny his desires...which I feel are completely natural.

Problem #4: Mr. LL feels I've changed...that I'm not the woman he fell in love with in a few regards. I can agree with that to some degree...but it doesn't keep me from feeling a bit defensive - as my chemistry has naturally changed - in response to having a child, aging, and having had a partial hysterectomy...and my foci have changed. Sex has just lost some of its importance for me...while it hasn't at all for Mr. LL. I think this is a common problem for men and women...but I'm not using it as an excuse, be assured.

Problem #5: My mental/emotional stability (and possibly his). Everyone has natural peaks and valleys when it comes to moods and emotions. My peaks seems further and further apart...but they are getting higher. And my valleys are wider and deeper - both sexually and emotionally.

I suppose that is what the counselor will now have to help us deal with.

And it's most certainly what I've been grappling with over the past month. If you're interested, feel welcome to follow me on my journey to find my wayward libido (my sanity) and fix my injured sex life. Just call me the not-so-lustful literate. Come with me as I research and practice my way back into bed...to do more than sleep...or just "accept" my husband's advances.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

I can't stay away....

Alright...let's get a few things straight...

First of all, I let this site become something I didn't want it to be - impersonal. When I first started this, it was pretty veiled. I needed it to be very anonymous. Then, I decided that the whole detached nature of writing for an audience who knew nothing about me was sort of a waste of time. So, I started divulging more information, writing about my marriage, its ups and downs, our trials and errors. Then, I got stuck in a rut...a routine...writing for memes only, doing a book review here and there because I felt guilty that people were sending me free books that I didn't really want to read. And of course, there were some things going on at home, and in my own head, that just made writing about sex a joke.

But, in all honesty, I'm just plain not whole unless I'm writing. My "crazy" gets "crazier". And I have to admit, that by allowing this to become only about "the external audience", I kind of lost track of the most important audience, which is myself. Not to sound selfish or anything, but in this particular sphere of writing, it gets pretty personal, and if I'm not writing first for myself, then I'm not truly being honest. And then what good does that do anybody else? If I hold back, self-censor, then the story is only half-formed. Plus, to hold back information about my sex life on a sex blog is a bit ironic, isn't it?

I want to tell the whole story. Because it helps me understand it. "How do I know what I think until I see what I say?" It's one of my favorite quotes, because it really is why I write. To find out what is really going on in my brain. There's such a sea of chaos in my head, and if I don't slow down and focus enough to put the words on paper (or screen), then the thoughts just float around as random snippets and phrases and images.

So, no. I can't say goodbye to this site. It's become as much a part of me as the skin I inhabit. It's one of a very few things I've stayed committed to over the years - even though I have come and gone as needs have changed and motivation has fluctuated. I lose my way, forget why I'm writing, and then just need a break - to recuperate and rejuvenate.

It's like coming to a fork in the road. I have to decide which path to take, whether to just camp out for awhile, or come to the conclusion that I have no choice but to turn around and go back the way I came.

I've sat at the fork for awhile now, examining my choices. And this week, it became apparent that going forward is the right thing to do. But, it's a different path. One that is more open, cleared of brush, and hasn't been traveled for while. It's a path of sheer and utter honesty that flies in the face of fear, embarrassment, and concern for others opinions.

I'm going to tell you the truth now. Not because you haven't been up for it...but because I think I can handle it now.

So where does that mean this blog is headed? Well...I don't think it means I will stop writing poetry and fiction...I just think it means you can expect to hear a lot more about my personal life. And I get it. Lots of people feel that telling the world your personal details and divulging secrets on the internet is not a real respectable or responsible thing to do. In contrast to that, I feel that my experiences might help someone else. Especially since looking around for my own "help" has been rather difficult. People don't like to talk about their sexual inadequacies. Rightfully so, I suppose. But, if we don't, then how can we ever hope to help one another? And just because I seem to be surrounded by bloggers with insanely stellar sex lives, doesn't mean that there isn't plenty of room - in fact more, even - for those of us with struggles to overcome. It's probably my fragile ego that gets in the way. And of course, there's also the probability of people I know reading this...including Mr. LL, who is quite likely my biggest fan and closest follower. But, let's pretend we're friends...and this is my kitchen table, and after a few drinks...I'm ready to dish...not because I need your advice (though feel free)...just because I need a willing ear...and an occasional nod of understanding.