My Writing

Friday, November 22, 2013

Broken Saddle

Yah...so that last post...I find it to be kind of a joke right now.  Considering, I haven't been back here since early September.  Something in me just "broke", I guess.  And once I stopped writing here...stopped checking in...it was all too easy to just stop altogether.

I sort of had this epiphany.  I was spending hours on here...reading other peoples' blogs, responding, reading emails, writing to prompts, looking for things to write about...whatever - it was a massive time consumer. And for months at a time, that was okay.  Until it wasn't.  Until it started taking up too much time...and becoming WORK, rather than play.

I'm not a writer by trade.  I dabble.  I play.  I dream of a future retirement of writing.  But, I never imagined myself as a slave to production.  I have never wanted my writing to be on demand.  If I publish, great.  If I take a profit, even better.  But that isn't the goal.  I have other pursuits that bring me great satisfaction and pay my bills.  Writing is more just for me.  And I do lots of kinds of writing.  Not just this.

On top of that, I have a family.  A young family.  A husband to keep happy.  A child to raise.

And when it comes to sex...I have to say, that writing about my own sex life has sort of become like photography.  I'm viewing it through this tiny little lens.  And I'm removed from it.  Detached.  Looking at it as an observer rather than a participant.  I don't want it to be that way.

I thought long and hard about my motives here.  Trying to figure out if I needed this or if I just felt obligated to write.  Ultimately, it turned out, I'm just not getting from this what I used to.

After returning a few months later, more out of curiosity than anything (because, honestly, this is the first time I have been back since September), I've gotten the information I needed to make my final decision.

I have had 2 comments since I stopped writing.  2 comments in 2 months.  That takes care of the feeling of obligation right there.  And since I am no longer obligated...well, I guess this is it.

It's been grand.  Really.  But I'm not getting from this endeavor what I once did.  So, it's on to different things.  Something new.

I don't know what that is yet.  I just know it doesn't involve countless hours on the internet or staring at a computer screen.  It involves spending time with my husband...having sex...rather than writing about it.  And it involves reading...and writing...and being an involved parent.

This  post is more for me than anything.  It makes it final.  It makes it real.  It's closure.  Which is something I need to make sense of my world.  Does this mean I'll never be back?  Well, I don't know about that.  I just know that for now, this isn't the best use of my time or energy.  So, until it feels right again (if ever)...